I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
