I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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