I think I died a long time ago.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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