I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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