I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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