This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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