Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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