You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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