do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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