So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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