I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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