he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
