Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
