I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
