yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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