I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
