i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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