she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
he's single and there are thong briefs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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