the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
