I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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