HIV tests are more positive than that guy
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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