3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
