Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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