My liver just broke up with me...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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