I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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