haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need moral support for this bender
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Randomize
