oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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