i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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