I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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