No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
