During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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