Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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