An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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