just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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