so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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