I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
