when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I think I won the penis lottery.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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