Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
