I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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