note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
