Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
