If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
