I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Randomize
