I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
