Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
