i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
