I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
