It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
