Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
