You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
