ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
