i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
