at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
