i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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