I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
